HIS PLAN - By Kevin Fernow

By all accounts I have lived a blessed life.  I was raised in a strong, loving family.  I was rarely denied an opportunity I wished to pursue due to health, money or similar challenges that often become roadblocks in life.  While life certainly has not been perfect, I’ve been blessed with far more ups than downs and I thank God for his guiding hand in this.

God always seems to balance the good with the bad for me.  As a young adult, my home life was a bit in turmoil as my dad battled severe alcoholism, ultimately passing from his inability to put down the bottle for good.  This was the same time that my relationship matured from a young high school love to the dependence and unity of “us”, a partnership my wife Brandy and I still enjoy today.  Distance, both physically and emotionally, from our families while away at college left a void that God filled for us through each other.

Following college, Brandy and I began professional careers in Chicago and we went about planning our “happily ever after”.  We were the first in our circle of friends to marry at the age of 23.  Next on our life-list was home ownership.  Check.  Five years later we planned for the next phase of our story - finding more family-friendly jobs and moving to the suburbs as we prepared for parenthood.

And this is where our perfect plan, our carefully plotted roadmap, somehow got re-routed.  This was when we learned that our plans took a back seat to HIS plan; where the most basic of God given rights, procreation, was denied to us - even though the very first book of the Bible literally states we were created to multiply.

Did this somehow not apply to us?

Initially we viewed infertility as an inconvenience – a major and EXPENSIVE one – that we assumed we would conquer through prayer, patience, and medical assistance.  For a guy who isn’t particularly fond of even the most routine doctor visits, the fertility experience was a real treat!  As time went on and success eluded us, it became a deeply personal, quiet struggle that left me questioning many things.  If Psalm 127:3 states Children are a gift from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.  “What did I do to not earn this reward” I thought?  However, reading further the book of Proverbs says “the heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps…Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”

After a few years writing way too many checks with way too many zeros, we set out on a new journey with a revised path to parenthood through adoption.  We refocused our prayers and accepted that getting pregnant was not truly our goal, nor God’s plan.  Rather, having children was what we desired.

Admittedly this initially felt like a consolation prize as I moved through the grieving and acceptance process.  As we learned more about adoption however, any reluctance turned to genuine excitement and optimism.  While we did not know how long it would take, parenthood most certainly awaited us, though so did an entirely new set of challenges along the way.  After we discerned this was our path, we dutifully completed our new checklist.

The adoption qualification process was invasive in an entirely different way than fertility treatments with fingerprints, background checks, financial and health assessments, letters of recommendation, interviews and home visits with social workers, required training and assortment of other requirements (do you have a fire escape ladder for your house?).  I couldn’t help but think all parents should have to apply to God through a similar process before he qualifies anyone and rewards them with offspring…can you imagine?  Then there was the adoption profile we created, a marketing brochure of sorts full of pictures and stories selling our best qualities to prospective birth mothers on the virtues of choosing us as parents for their child.  No pressure there.

With our paperwork complete we were officially licensed to parent.  We were excited to be “live” with our profile and officially “on the market” so to speak.  The hard work had been done, it was time to wait and turn it over to God’s will.  Of course this was much easier said than done.

About a month went by when we got a call.  A mother with an adoption plan had given birth to a baby boy.  Her initial adoption plan had fallen through and she selected us as potential parents for an in-person meeting, the ultimate blind date!  After our meeting we were informed she indeed wanted to move forward.  We joyfully called our families to share our news, at last we were on the cusp of our dream.  We hurried to the store and bought formula and infant diapers as we had made a conscious decision not to fill our house with newborn items unsure how long we would wait.  The following day we set out for the hour drive with an empty car seat and full hearts, ready to meet our son.  About 30 minutes in the phone rang, stop driving we were told, she had not shown up and was unreachable.  We pulled into a parking lot and waited and cried…this was not our son after all.

This was a particularly hard setback to take.  We felt empty and alone.  I felt betrayed and was angry, not at the birth mother, but at the situation and the outcome.  I even found a way to be disappointed in myself, that we had let our guard down and had been so optimistic, that we allowed ourselves to emotionally invest, if only for a day.

We picked ourselves up and moved forward, a bit more educated and more guarded emotionally, but still hopeful for what awaited.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.

Psalm 130:5

 

Another month or so later we were again selected by a young woman and the father of her baby for an in-person meeting.  This time at a different restaurant located in a different suburb.  We were chosen to be the parents should they move forward with an adoption plan.  A few days later another baby boy was born.  After being discharged from the hospital the baby was placed in foster care overnight as the mother finalized her decision.  The next day we were informed she would indeed parent, more heart break, again this was not our son.  

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character,

and character produces hope.

Romans 5:3

A few months passed and we were contacted by a birthmother named Laurie living in Maryland who was seven months pregnant with a baby boy.  After several weeks getting to know each other thru email we planned a trip to D.C. to meet in person.  By this time, we had perfected our mode of operation, protecting our psyche from the very real possibility of another letdown.  Every bit of excitement such as sharing of the ultrasound was tempered with a self-reminder that this baby was not ours, at least not yet.

I felt robbed that we could not indulge in the traditional celebrations of expecting parents.  We only confided our news with close friends who happened to be at the same point of the adoption process at the same time.  During our visit Laurie asked us what we would like to name the baby, while this furthered our optimism, it was against our emotional-defense strategy.  We waited a few more weeks and as the due date approached finally shared a name with Laurie, it had Scottish origins and included a subtle nod to her local baseball team.  The due date passed and Laurie was scheduled for inducement.

As we packed the car for a much longer road trip, we finally shared the news with family, we were once again headed to meet our son.  On April 29th a healthy, big boy was born.  Again there were tears, this time they were tears of joy, his name was Camden and we finally rejoiced as God had delivered our son.

This the day the LORD has made;

we will rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118:24