THREE LITTLE LETTERS. ONE SIMPLE WORD - By Emily Hayes

Image courtesy of 8tracks.com

As I celebrate being nine years clean, I am often asked, “How did you do it?
How do you stay clean?” 

My answer is always the same - God. 
Three little letters. One simple word.

But my journey with God has been anything but simple.

I grew up in a Christian church that did nothing for me.  I thought it was lame and judgmental and that the people were hypocritical - so I went the other way.  I always tried to be a good person and hoped for the best.  There were so many different religions that I didn’t know who to believe or who was right - so I kind of believed all of them - and yet didn’t I subscribe to one in particular.  I was always very “spiritual” and I even studied most world religions.   I tried Reiki, hypnotherapy, crystals, Native American spirituality, and so on. Someone told me that “all religions lead to heaven” and as long as you believe in something and try to be a good person you will go to heaven.

As good as that sounded it all still left me feeling very hollow and didn’t ring completely true in my heart.  There was a small part of myself that wanted more, but I tried not to think too much about it or about anything in my life.  I didn’t like to think because it made me feel things. Things I didn’t want to feel. Bad things.

So, I spent a lot of time trying to feel good instead.  I just wanted some peace from my thoughts.  I tried finding it in a bottle, a razor, a pill, food, men, and so on.  Instead of joy and peace - I found pain and heartache.  So then I turned to doctors, treatment centers (I went to treatment seven times), psych meds, 12-step programs, hypno-therapists, psychics, and whatever new spiritual thing or craze was popular at the time. 

Each of these “remedies” or religions promised me relief and peace…but it was only temporary.  I’d stay clean for a while…sometimes even a few years, but then I would find myself back on this dark merry-go-round spinning out of control.

Each time, I found myself further down than before.  Finally, I found myself being held hostage by drug dealers in one of the worst parts of Cleveland, Ohio; they were selling me to strangers for crack and I thought I was going to die.  When I cried out for help, I cried out to Jesus - which was odd because I wasn’t into the Jesus-thing - but in that moment I knew He was real.   I can’t explain how I knew He was real, but I just knew.  I knew in the deepest part of myself; the part of yourself that just knows that you are in love before you even have words to explain it.  That part of yourself that trusts in the wind you can not see because you can feel it’s gentle breeze caressing your cheek.

In that moment, I could feel Jesus like the wind on my cheek.  In that moment, somehow I knew He loved me, even though I didn’t have any words to explain this.  In that moment, I became the LAST thing I ever wanted to become: I became a believer - and not just any believer - but a believer in Jesus Christ.

I was stunned, but I could not deny what I felt.  I would have much rather had an encounter with a god from any other religion.  I did not like Christians and their annoying judgments and fake smiles.  I hated their hypocrisy and cheap talk.  Interestingly enough, I soon found out that God hated all that too...but I’m getting ahead of myself.  God did save me from that horrible situation, not because I deserved it (I didn’t - I got myself into that situation and had hundreds of chances to clean up before), but He saved me because of His grace.  Grace is something difficult to define, but beautiful to experience.  And on that day, I experienced it - but I didn’t really know what to make of it - or what it meant for me and my life.

About a month later, I found myself in my parent’s garage (they had let me move back in - again).  So far, I had stayed clean but I didn’t have much hope for myself.  Failure always seemed to find me.

I had just started dating a man I met online named Johnny (much to my parents’ dismay).  Men were often my downfall.   Instead of focusing on my recovery, I always found a man to focus on instead.   However, this man was a strong Christian - which was not someone I normally dated but after my brush with death I was trying to give this God thing a shot.

Johnny talked a lot about Jesus.  Normally this would have annoyed me, but he was genuine and kind.  He told me that Jesus is NOT a religion, He is a Savior.  He told me that when Jesus walked the earth He hung out with known criminals, sinners and prostitutes.  Jesus had very little patience for the religious people of His day - and in the end they were the ones who crucified Him.  He explained that it was not about religion, but it is about a relationship with Christ.

Then, he paused and asked me, “Do you have a relationship with Christ?”  

I kind of stammered and mumbled, “well...I believe in God.”  

He said, “I didn’t ask you if you believe, I asked if you had a relationship with Him.  Belief is in your head.  God doesn’t just want your head - He wants your heart.  He wants a relationship with you, Emily.  He can not heal your heart if you don’t give it to Him.  He doesn’t make people love Him or accept Him - but He does desire it.  He desires it so much that He sent His Son to die for us.  All of us.  Black, white, young, old, rich, poor - ALL of us.  He only asks that you believe Jesus alone is God and that you turn from your sins and how you are living your life and turn toward Him in faith.  Emily, if you do that and mean it and trust Him with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength three things will happen:

1) You have the assurance of going to heaven and no one can take that from you.
2) All of your sins are forgiven.
3) God gives you His Spirit to help you turn away from bad things and do things His way.  Not that you will be perfect, but He will give you His power and strength instead of your own."

I was hot and uncomfortable; my mind was racing - but that small deep part of me that believed in wind I couldn’t see and in love I couldn’t explain - that same part of me knew that what he was saying was true.  I just knew.

But I still had so many questions - and so many things I was unsure about. I felt in my heart that what Johnny was telling me was true.  He had no reason to lie to me, and nothing to gain.  I didn’t know what to do next.  I was scared of letting go of who I was and turning into a religious zombie.

And I guess that’s a big part of why I’m writing this, because many people over-complicate it or they try to draw religion into it - and it is NOT about religion.  Now, don’t get me wrong, church is not bad - not at all - but church is not perfect.  Only God is.  Church is made up of people just like you and me, gathering together to support one another and worship a Holy God.  Not going to church because of the hypocrites is like not going to the gym because of the out of shape people.  Yes, they are there, but it doesn’t negate the fact that we still need to be there too so we can grow stronger and more healthy.  Church is kind of the same way - but for our soul – so it can grow stronger and more healthy.

I used to be afraid of church, but now I have seen for myself that God doesn’t want religious zombies, but rather individuals who are created unique.  He doesn’t ask us to let go of who we are or our creativity.  He only asks us to let go of our sin and turn to Him in faith.  He doesn’t mind if we have questions.  He has answers and wants to meet us right where we are at.  The journey begins right where we are - no matter where we are and no matter who we are.

I was skeptical. Would Jesus really want a tattooed, recovering addict who cut her own skin, slept with more men than she could count, was divorced twice, swore like a sailor and knew nothing about the Bible? 

I can honestly tell you in one word: Yes.  Three little letters. One simple word.  

But this time, it really was that simple: Yes.  Jesus wanted me.  He met me exactly where I was at and accepted me without judgment. He only asked one thing of me: Would I trust Him?

That is the question Johnny asked me as I was sitting in my parent’s dirty garage smoking a cigarette.  I was not in a church as I imagined, but I was genuine.  I told God that I didn’t understand everything, but I would have faith and believe.  I asked for His forgiveness and for Him to change my heart.

As the saying goes, I accepted Christ that day.  

There were no angels singing, or bells ringing; just a quiet knowing in that deep part of myself - and I began to cry, not because I was sad, but because I felt such relief wash over me.  I had been on this long journey to uncover the truth of those three little letters that nagged and haunted me, and I refused to settle for anything but the absolute truth.  And in that moment, the truth found me, and met me exactly where I was.  The release I felt was enormous; like collapsing after a hard race.

Now, I am not naïve, being a Christian did not make my life perfect.  I still have problems, but I also have peace.  He has done what nothing and no one else could do.  He has given me nine years free from all substances and disorders.  He has restored me to be a wife to an awesome husband and a mother of two amazing children - but more than all of that - He has made me truly happy.  A genuine joy that lasts - not a high that goes away.

In Isaiah 43:1-3 God tells us, 

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” 

That is exactly what He wants to be to each of us: a Savior who redeems us and protects us.  No matter where you are at on your spiritual journey, He is calling you by name, whispering, “You are Mine.”