A year ago my world turned upside down. To give you some background, I have always loved Jesus. I met Him when I was four years old and distinctly remember sweet encounters with Him as a child. I had times of rebellion and experimentation as a teenager, but never stopped loving Jesus. I believed very firmly in His power, His comfort and His desire to draw close to us. I had a rocky family life growing up and often turned to Him for comfort. I also had seen many miraculous things. I have seen my sibling’s trajectory change when my Mother cried “Jesus!” and fall into a laundry basket of clothes instead of a hardwood floor. I have seen healings over and over. I have experienced miraculous healings for things as small as a hiccup to a headache. I ate an entire bottle of my grandfather’s heart medication when I was two. When they pumped my stomach in the ER, there was nothing.
My brother was born with Down’s syndrome and had three holes in his heart. We took him forward in church and were overjoyed to find out before his heart surgery that the holes were gone. He also had Grand Mal seizures as a baby. Through an experimental vitamin treatment they were healed completely. At the same time, there are many aspects of his condition that have not been healed.
That is why my world turned upside down a year ago.
My 20 month old son began regressing from an active happy toddler to being unable to crawl or function independently in a four month time span. We don’t know why. We have seen specialists in multiple hospitals. We are waiting on test results. The doctors are stumped. We have the small possibility that my son will have a treatment option available to him, but every doctor or therapist we speak to thinks this is a lifelong journey, with the possibility of a shortened life span for my son.
I’m scared. Who wouldn’t be? To say that hearing this is hard is an understatement. My heart breaks. My spirit groans and screams for healing. I have often wondered why my mother has not done more to take my brother to places where he could be prayed for and we may see healing. I understand now. There’s nothing left. Between the ridiculous numbers of doctor appointments, to the sheer physical demand of caring for a quadriplegic, there’s no energy left to think about taking my son across country to visit that place I might have heard of that has healing services.
“Where is Jesus in the midst of this?” You might ask.
Didn’t He miraculously heal people in the Bible?
Isn’t He alive and active today?
Why did my brother experience miraculous healing in certain areas but not others?
I have asked these questions. I have screamed them internally. I have despaired and had hope. I have had moments where I thought I would fall apart and moments where I was ready to fight.
The one constant in the midst of this is Jesus.
He is my comfort.
That seems like such a small word, right?
It’s not.
When was the last time you allowed yourself to be comforted? Like really comforted? While your eyes are streaming, your body is heaving with sobs, you flail and cry and pour out every thought that’s in your brain. Knowing full well that on the other end of it, there will be no offense taken, no instruction to hold it together, no reprimand for being too extreme. Just a peaceful, quiet voice saying “I’ve got this. I’ve got YOU,” - with a smile.
Isaiah 40:11 says that God leads gently those with young. I think He knows how hard it is to carry small children both physically and emotionally. A hundred years ago, many children didn’t live past the age of two. My son would have not survived then. The incredible inventions that we have in the medical field make miracles happen every day. I have often been convicted for being dissatisfied with that type of miracle. I want the one that comes and returns everything to normal in an instant. I don’t want the process. I don’t want to have to carry the weight of grief as I watch my son progress and deteriorate, to have hope and then despair. I know Jesus is healing my son. I know that the breakthrough is coming. He has shown me in my dreams. He has said so in the Bible. He did it on the cross. Right now I’m in the battle. I’m in the “now & not yet” realities that we live in on this earth. How I handle it is what is most important.
I don’t mean to keep my chin up and keep going until the breakthrough happens. I mean that I fall apart on God’s lap. I scream at him, I cry and flail and grieve. He grieves with me. He screams with me. He flexes his arm and sends angels to assist in the battle. I have seen mountains move in my journey with my son. Miracles have not come in the way that I want, but they have come. I have seen doctors the next day that didn’t have openings for six months on their schedule. I have had tests come back in 4 days that should have taken 2 months. I have had family and friends bend over backwards to serve my family and to meet any need that we had. I have had every need met.
I know that God is answering and he’s answering with a vengeance.
He’s got me.
He’s got this.
He’s doing it so I can fight this battle.
He’s taking my sword and my shield when I’m too tired to fight and he’s fighting for me.
He’s doing it so I can stand with Him on the battlefield and win.
He’s my defender and my strength.
He’s my partner and my friend.
If you are going through a similar situation, don’t try to do it all. Don’t try to be strong by yourself. We were never expected to be. The Bible says that those who mourn will be comforted; those who are weak will be made strong. Trying to fight a battle alone is ineffective at best and a sure way to lose. Take time to be comforted. Take time to grieve your situation and let God whisper his love and comfort in your ear. Let him be God for you. Let Him be strong for you. Let Him take care of things when you’re tired, and when you’re ready to get up again, fight the battle with everything you’ve got. Don’t reserve your energy in case you need it later, give it your all and then go rest. I have had many people ask me if I’m taking care of myself in the midst of this. I have had to learn how. What that really means is that I make time for Jesus to take care of me so that I can take care of other things. He loves you. More than you can know.
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